A Very Special Oprah
by Robby Moon
Summary: Harry Potter and Sirius Black make an appearence on the Oprah Winfrey show. Hijinks ensue... PoA spoilers.


This is just a fun little story I wrote after a day spent watching day-time television. Ah, a day well spent! I hope you like it!

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A Very Special Oprah

The lights went up on a tastefully furnished studio in Chicago. The 'applause' sign flashed as a well-dressed, middle-aged black woman walked onto the very parlor-like stage. The crowd was composed of mostly of middle-aged women with the odd man who had been dragged there by his wife. The applause subsided as the woman they called Oprah began to speak.

"Thank you! Today we have a great show for you all. We have Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived, and those who know him best." The crowd began to cheer again as she finished her sentence. A shy smile spread across Oprah's face, a sight that failed to allude to the evil that lurked behind her kind and courteous façade. "Let's welcome our guests!" Oprah began to politely applaud as Harry Potter, a boy of thirteen, made his way to the couch with his god father, Sirius Black. The two gave polite waves and smiles to the crowd cheering them on. Sirius and Harry shook hands with Oprah before she motioned for them to take a seat. As the three settled down, the crowd quieted. The three exchanged short 'hello's' before Oprah took it upon herself to dig right in. "Now Harry," Oprah began, totally changing gears. Her tone was serious as she began to interview Harry. A tone Harry had a hard time getting comfortable with. "You are here today with your godfather, Sirius Black?

"Yes, that's right." Harry smiled at his god father who was evaluating Oprah with a suspicious eye.

"Now let's get right down to it." Oprah said returning Sirius' look. She straightened herself up and removed the friendly smile from her face. "When you were young your parents were brutally murdered by the most evil wizard ever known to wizard kind. How does that make you feel?" The aggressiveness with which Oprah had approached the subject shocked Sirius and Harry. They both even jerked backward with inaudible gasps as their eyes opened with amazement, before they crinkled their features with the tell-tale signs of dislike. The audience let out a very audible 'Awww'. Some women took out their handkerchiefs and dabbed their eyes dramatically.

"Well, naturally, it upsets me. And thank you for the graphic detail." Harry's teeth were clenched, and his response was succinct. He heard the grating of his god father's teeth as he kept his own eyes fixed on Oprah, glaring with all his might.

"It is only my job to inform." retorted Oprah maintaining her composure. She faked a small smile as her eyes shifted between the camera and Sirius. She brought out the bitch in her a little too soon. She was now afraid that at any given moment Sirius would leap on her and tear her throat out with his bear hands. She kept a grin plastered on her face as she continued to glance at Sirius out of the corner of her eye.

"Right…" Harry spoke simply. Letting the tension in the room subside. He leaned back in his chair. Even as the room relaxed Harry kept his eyes on Oprah, eyeing her with vague dislike.

Oprah decided to take a more conversational approach to her questions. _'Smile and don't let them answer.' _she ran the words over and over in her mind as she looked over her notes, the huge false smile still in place on her over-large face. "Now Sirius," Sirius directed his eyes at Oprah sharply. She gulped and continued wishing she her will was written. "You were imprisoned for twelve years in the dreaded wizard fortress of Azkaban for killing something like thirteen people, including one of your boyhood friends? Is that right?"

The audience let out a loud boos and jeers, and Sirius began talking fast, feeling the need to defend himself.

_'Chalk one up for Oprah. Hardy, har, har!' _Oprah exclaimed inwardly.

"That's right, but I'm innocent! The only reason that happened is because…" Sirius was talking to the audience, trying desperately to explain himself.

Harry just buried his face in his hands, chanting "Rainbows and kittens, rainbows and kittens…"

Oprah feeling she was on a roll continued the interview giddily. "And isn't it true that you betrayed Lily and James Potter, who were your best friends and the parents of young Harry, and that your actions lead to their tragic demise?" The booing grew louder and Oprah did a happy little circle dance, clapping her hands and smiling like a fool.

"What is this, an interrogation? You won't even let me talk and explain what…" Sirius' exasperation was evident in his voice as he felt himself sinking to an abyss of losing. He watched Oprah dance like a school girl. Sirius looked to Harry for support, but Harry was occupied rocking himself back and fourth with his eyes shut tight chanting to himself. Sirius raised an eyebrow and made a mental note to seek professional help for Harry before Harry resumed school.

Oprah laid a finger on her cheek and put on an over dramatic puzzled face. "It is just me or…" He eyes narrowed, and for a brief moment she resembled a serpent before she utter her next sentence. The sentence that spelled Sirius' and Harry's doom. "…is it time for Dr. Phil!"

At that moment the crowd that was bubbling with emotion erupted into a roar of cheers. Sirius was baffled at the sudden change of heart of the crowd, but before any questions could be asked Oprah began to lead the crowd in a chant.

"Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil! Dr. Phil!" everyone in the studio chanted. The cheer became faster and faster until it reached an absolute frenzied pace, at which point an overweight, balding man with an offensive mustache jumped onto the scene clothed in an equally, if not more, offensive brown suit.

He cupped a hand behind his ear in a very cliché manner and batted his eyelashes as he asked "Did I hear you call?" His pseudo southern drawl evoked nausea in Sirius and Harry, but the studio audience went wild.

Oprah quickly went to Dr. Phil's side. "Yes, I'm afraid we have a troubled bunch today: an orphaned teenager and his convict god father." Oprah shook her head and grabbed Dr. Phil's arm as Dr. Phil patted Oprah's back. The audience let out another loud 'Awww' as Oprah took the opportunity to sniffle into her own handkerchief.

Dr. Phil quickly narrowed his eyes and approached Harry with a fierceness that caught Harry quite off guard. "Kid, your parents are dead! They will never come back! Get over it! You sissy boy! Forget your parents! You didn't even know them! They were probably alcoholics anyway. Look at who they had for a best friend, a murderous loser! Get over it!" Dr. Phil hooted and hollered and flailed his arms at Harry.

Harry just stared at Dr. Phil like a dear caught in headlights. He looked back and fourth from Dr. Phil to his god father, but Sirius had adapted a similar look.

"I couldn't agree with you more!" cried Oprah nodding her head vigorously and the audience applauding in agreement.

"What the hell is your problem?" Harry asked with a shaky voice, afraid to summon the wrath of Dr. Phil once again.

Dr. Phil laid a soft hand on Harry's shoulder, at which Harry cringed dramatically. Dr. Phil addressed Harry this time like an adult would a five year-old. "I am here to help people, and this is what they call therapy." Dr. Phil explained gently evoking yet another 'Awww' from the audience.

"Isn't he brilliant?" exclaimed Oprah with an amazed face. The audience cheered to signify their agreement.

"This is absurd!" cried Sirius, getting a hold on his mind which was, up until this point, lost and bamboozled. "Harry, we're leaving!"

Harry nodded vaguely, his head swimming in bewilderment.

"If you leave now, you're running away from the problem, but if you aren't man enough...go ahead run." Dr. Phil said in a casual manner. He scratched his head and checked his watched, rocking on his feet and whistling, behavior reminiscent of someone waiting for the bus.

Sirius gazed at Dr. Phil for a moment, his face contorted with mixed amazement and disgust before he screamed, "Screw you all!" With that he grabbed Harry by the wrist and led the now damaged child from the studio.

Dr. Phil cried, "Sissy, sissy, sissy, sissy, sissy!" as the two left. He then straightened himself up nice and tall as he fixed his tie.

"Well, wasn't that and illuminating conversation? I think we all learned a lot about ourselves." Oprah stated in an over conversational manner. The audience answered with light nods and dazed looks.

"Yes." Dr. Phil said very decisively. "It was very touching." he concluded as he regarded the teleprompter which read, '_Tomorrow on Oprah…Roadrunner: innocent prankster or demonic bird from hell?'_

FIN

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I appreciate any and all feedback, so please review! Thank you for reading! If you found any mistakes in the text, pretty please, let me know, so I can fix it! Thanks again!


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